I was in the car with my friend the other day, talking about relationships and stuff of that nature, when she said to me “Riley I can’t really picture you with anyone, I always see you on your own”. I was a little taken aback by the comment, but then it made me think, maybe…I’ve always dreamed of being alone.

I’ve been in relationships. I’ve been hurt and have hurt other people. Been in 3-year relationships and three-month relationships, dated my very dear friend, and dated people I wasn’t so sure about. All in all, I could stand in a room with all of them today and laugh about it. I even think some of them would make great friends.

This dating thing has been going on consistently since I was fifteen…with perhaps two or three month periods of being single. I just, really don’t love dating people, I love people, I love the idea of love, but I missed out on a lot of me-time. A lot of listening to music I liked to listen to instead of falling in the shadow of my musician boyfriend. Missed out on dressing as wildly as I pleased whilst dating the typical sporty guy types. I think back to my longest relationship and I feel as if the girl in my memories was possessed, I do not remember being her, she was naive. I cringe as I think about meeting the parents of every boyfriend I’ve ever had, I swear they all hated me like they all knew that our relationship would inevitably end.

Recently my doctor asked me if I had a boyfriend, I did not at the time, but instead of simply saying “no”, I replied, “no, I’m focusing on art”. I don’t think she needed that detail, but I think about it a lot, why don’t I just focus on art?

I love art, I do. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. I dream of how I can possibly fit all the art I want to make into one lifetime. The idea of being alone used to scare me, but often I am alone, in my own head thinking of something else. I’m sure my friends would never attest to this but even around people, I zone out constantly because I’m thinking about the art I want to make when I’m by myself.

I just think some people are very good at relationships…I do not think I am one of them. And understanding that within myself has made me feel more whole than any relationship ever could, at least for the time being.

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December 23, 2018

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