Something that’s always kept me going is the understanding that the person I am now is not the person I will forever be. I am ever-growing, you are ever-growing, we are ever-growing. With all disregard to science, people never stop self evolving.
This is the thought process that got me off my bedroom floor four years ago, when I decided that I would stick with photography even though I sucked at it. This is the thought process that kept me staring at the stupid dollar bin painting reading “Dream Big” that I stuck on the back of my door.
Dream big, it sounds so stupid, right? Almost stupid enough to toss into the dollar section of Target, but I guess it’s brilliant in a way too. That’s what I thought anyways, if I spent money on this ugly painting, I might as well start taking its advice.
Sometimes, like most people, I live in this fantasy world, where everything works out my way. Well I dreamt big, so now what? I’ve self improved, so now what? For the time being I’m stuck in this now what phase, kind of like I’m trying to run through mud. I’ve narrowed this down to constant headaches derived from worrying about my online aesthetic, even when I’m not online, and the desperation to share myself, my words, my photographs, and arriving on stage only to find no one in the audience.
Ever-growing. Right now feels like the bedroom floor I was seemingly glued to four years ago, laying on my stomach, my shoulders aching, but my refusal to move into a more comfortable position. It’s 11:00 pm and laying next to me is an unopened history book. I’ve waited til the last minute to do my homework… again. I wake up feeling sick with regret, wishing my morning shower would wash me away.
Right now feels ugly; it’s being bored of my hair, waking up each day with a new pimple, convincing-myself-that-I’m-not-an-artist, just-a-social-media-addict-and-attention-whore ugly. That’s what’s been eating away at my soul. Despite the handful of opportunities sharing myself on Instagram has provided me, I dream of a life where social media does not exist, where the only person I have to compare my art to is myself, where trends aren’t latched onto within seconds, where the world of “hype” is dead. Where I can tape all my photographs up on my wall and sew till my hands fall off without ever, ever having to compare myself as I do so now.
This is the world I dream of, and one I will make for myself. And you should too.
Ever-growing. As cliche as it is, I don’t believe humans go through one metamorphosis in their lives. Yes maybe you went from being brace-faced and greasy-haired to a glowing, attractive human being, but that’s not it. There are rises and falls to life; caterpillars and butterflies.
And perhaps, right now, you are the caterpillar, but you must keep going. Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. That’s all you can do, that’s all I can do. Like the caterpillar, you will too become the butterfly.
On that note: Live your best life, that’s all.