The ultimate goal is not to be beautiful. It was. If you asked my eleven-or-so-year-old self, I’d tell you how excited I am to be a teenager. I always thought all my problems would be surely solved by then, especially with the way I looked.

My neighbor is older than me by eight-or-so years. She had a radio in her room, posters, and one of those hairbrushes with a squishy handle…it was the early 2000s. I couldn’t wait to have my own radio and I thought for *sure* my hair would magically turn straight and shiny like hers by then.

Well, I never got the radio…I mean I could, it’s just not convenient if you ask me, and I am currently sitting in bed with my curly hair piled in what one could call a bun.

I’ve been misread on the internet before for getting chatty about my appearance (boohoo my life is SO HARD) so I find it necessary to be absolutely blunt in stating yes I’m skinny-white-cis-woman-and-also-very-insecure-girl-who-has-had-body-issues-for-most-of-her-life-although-I-am-aware-I-fit-a-pretty-typical-stereotype-of-white-girl-and-my-skinny-bitch-body-won’t-hinder-me-in-this-fucked-society-that-obviously-benefits-some-people-like-skinny-white-bitches-more-than-others. Ok essentially I am a white bitch who’s googled on plenty of occasions “why am I the ugly twin”. This is not an attempt to be radical. I do not think anything I do is radical.

I watched a documentary on Iris Apfel a couple years ago…called “Iris”. I cannot recall the specific quote but she said something about how, as a young girl, she’d go to an antique shop. The old woman who ran the store would perch and watch all the customers. Essentially she told Iris one day ‘you’re not much of a looker, but you’ve got style’.

Something I always admired about fashion-FASHION FASHION-not commercial mall advertisement bullshit, but putting together clothes that were not born to be paired together-is the fact that the real head honchos of the fashion world are otherwise low-key in their appearance. They let the clothes take up space, not their face, not their hair, the clothes.

I’m aware my body will change my face will change. One day I will be a saggy lump of flesh strolling through life with my rescued Pitbulls. However, STYLE is forever. The ultimate goal is style. Style defies all standards in my opinion. Style is personal, an outward nod to your inner self. Style doesn’t care if you hate your nose or wish your hair were the complete opposite, it says baby work with what you’ve got or put so much style over what you’ve got so no one even gives a shit about what you’ve got, cause all they know is you’ve got STYLE.

To sum this all up, I haven’t taken a proper selfie in a year or so, I do “nose exercises” cause I’m not particularly keen on my side profile, but I know if I wear a large coat I feel a whole hell of a lot better. I’m ready to wear fabric as makeup for all I care. At some point in the past year or so, I realized that this body, this face, this hair, and these…oddly…wrinkly hands are mine, and I can tweak bits and pieces but nothing is as magical a transformation as the act of putting on and taking off and putting on again something that makes me feel very much me.

It’s ok to be ugly on the internet. But YA BETTER do it with style.

 

January 12, 2019

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